I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
