using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
