end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
