Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
