I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
