Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
