Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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