so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
