I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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