I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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