i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
