u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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