I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
