I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
