just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
