hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
