Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
