I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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