Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
