Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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