The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
