did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
