Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
