I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
