i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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