I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
