Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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