How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
