Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's Friday. Sex?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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