it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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