I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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