By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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