"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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