How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
