My cat gives me a boner
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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