Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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