just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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