i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's blow job season.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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