Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
