I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
