he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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