Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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