RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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