youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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