I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
