Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize