so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
