I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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