Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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