Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
