im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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