I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
