i was born a porn star she said
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you had me at cake vodka
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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