I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Vodka?
Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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