I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
