Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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